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Friday, December 26, 2008

An Asian Type of Dora?

I just discovered this show this morning...why am I the last to know about these things?!

Ni Hao Kai Lan

They speak chinese so kids can learn. Daniel is amazed by it for some reason. I think it's the colors and music. He's big on seeing and hearing.  Wonder if he'll learn some Chinese.  I wonder if they'll make a korean version. Interesting.
Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Secret and Mysterious Asian Santa

So this is Daniel's first Xmas and I tried to capture the important memories of the season. Top on my list was the xmas photo. Now as usual I had to add a twist to the normal Santa xmas photo by wanting an Asian Santa. I just felt it would be nice to have Daniel take a photo with an Santa that looked a bit like him.

Needless to say the search for this race of Santa became a case for the CIA. I couldn't find one in the usual places for nothing. I asked around every place and everyone I knew but no one had heard of an Asian Santa before. Shucks even the Asian people were looking for an Asian Santa

Where was this guy? On vacation? In a screet location only knowen to Asians? Was he working on the Asian timetable of xmas time? Did dude not get the memo that he's needed this year? Or is the lack of an Asian Santa about something else...

You see it's only recently that I've even seen a black Santa and homie only works in certain broughs anyway. For the most part people associated Santa with a big n jolly white guy. This makes sense since it's a European character in orgin. Add to that most cultures do not celebrate the xmas idea. Thus the lack of more ethnic Santa.

But still...I'm in the darn United States...heck I'm in New York City for crying out loud. There is no excuse for the lack of ethic Santas in a place filled with so many different cultures. Why couldn't I find a Asian Santa...even in Chinatown?!

But again, I'm fightning against what most people consider to be the norm...Santa is white...except in certain parts of brooklyn. Next year I'm going to hire my own group of ethic Santas to take photos with Daniel. I refuse to accept the "white Santa norm" another year.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008

DNA and Race - Black or Asian?

There's alot of comments going back and forth in one of the mixed race groups I'm part of online. At first whenever convos start on whether affirmative action is a good or bad thing I could only think of myself. I mean hell yeah it's a good thing if it gives me an extra boost in areas where being "black" meant being passed over or limited. Now after having my son my views on affirmative action has expanded in an unexpected way.

DNA and racial identification. _r=1

The idea that people are using DNA results to qualify for affirmative action, college admissions and scholarships and membership in wealthy casino tribes.

A few months ago one of my sisters bf, Kevin had some very interesting things to say about Daniel and my insistence that he can claim being black. Seems Kevin thinks if Daniel doesn't look black then no one will think he is. 

He felt that Daniel will never be allowed into...

- The projects...unless he's delivering food
- Basketball court…unless he’s with black friends.
- Howard University...unless he can prove his blackness by taking me along

Now, I tend to take uneducated comments like this in stride. No sense trying to explain something’s to some people. But it did make me wonder about colleges and such. I mean of course I want Daniel to go to college but it's not cheap so I can use all the help I can get right? But what happens after filling out the applications, getting all the required paperwork and Daniel has to go in for the face to face interview? Will they say he's a faker to the claim of "black-hood"? Can he claim protection under the umbrella of affirmative action? What happens when having 50% of black blood doesn't show?

Will Daniel have to walk around with DNA evidence to not only prove that he's black but he's also entitled to all the rights that come with it...if he chooses to claim them that is. He might just claim to be Asian and get into college that way. Shyt, No problems there right?

Hmm, I only have questions with no answers...but maybe Daniel and I will have to make our own answers.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Getting a Drink

I feel my soul is thirsty. Like I've been walking in a desert of my life but didn't stop from time to time to drink anything refreshing. It's been a mixture of my fault and just the ways of life. I did not realize how much being a mom takes out of you.

I'm not talking about caring for the baby. I was prepared for that part. I was not prepared for the emotional part. From dealing with changes in my body to the labor and delivery to caring for a newborn to trying to train a infant and on and on and on...Add to it the stress other people bring me from all sorts of crazy angles. The emotional toll at every stage is confounding.

Somedays it's a struggle just to remember to shower and use the bathroom much less pay bills, answer emails or work on projects long in a state of de-funk. As my son grows he need more and more from me but I'm low if not empty already. I keep telling need a break, you need some time to re-charge but when, where, how?

One of the biggest things I miss is writing. Everyday I swear to write even if it's a few sentences just to save memories along with my sanity. But everyday night passes without me writing. As I lay down sentences run thru my head but I lack the will power to grab one of the myriads of notebooks I leave around me for that very purpose. With the morning comes the loss of the previous day story, memories, thoughts, observations, life notes. It frustrates me but it's no one fault. There's just not enough time or energy or whatever it was I had before.

But I don't want to lose my chances anymore...I want to take my life notes, I want to clear the clutter in my head. I want to save memories for my son.

So I got up this morning at 3 am and became determined to write... to take a sip ... hoping that the taste will soothe me enough to help me come back and keep drinking. It feels good, nice and cool for my over heated and dehydrated spirit. The feel of the keys, the comforting click and clack, the moving text on the screen that shows I still have thoughts, words, essence.

My son has awoken...probably due to lack of a warm body next to him or maybe the change in my energy. He's very aware of energy my little one. Normally I would stop what I'm doing to attend to his needs right away but I feel different this morning. His emotional need is just to see me...all of his physical needs were already taken care off. So I place him in a stroller so he can see me while I rebuild myself, while I breathe, while I literally cry with sheer joy for this moment of me...until he decided he wanted to type also and grabs for the keyboard.
Monday, December 15, 2008

Truth About Daniel, His Dad and Me

I never really stop to think how people not on the "inside" would view some of what I blog about. I guess I figured you guys would not be so...umm... judgmental?


By nature I'm an open person but somethings are just private. For example, I never told the whole story behind the breakup of me and Pete (Daniel's father). It's actually very hard to explain but really it's no one business. Still, by not sharing some key points you guys are left to come to your own conclusions. Sadly some of your guesses are so far from what is truth. While I don't care what people think of me...I do care what people think about Daniel. So lets get some things cleared up.

First, Daniel was not a mistake or a heat in the moment baby. He was planned for months in advance. He was no suprise to Pete. Actually, Pete begged me for months to start a family. We talked and planned over all areas of parenting way before giving up the birth control. Daniel was wanted and made with a spirit of love by both his parents.

Second, I was not tricked and abandoned by Pete. Well not in the way you would think anyway. This one is harder to explain. We had ALOT of issues and some we dealt with. Others we just couldn't seem to deal with by the time those two pink lines appeared. To his credit he tried and wanted to keep going but because of some recent events between us I chose not to. That was my choice to end the relationship but it is his choice to stay out of his sons life. No one person is more wrong then the other.

I wrote some of these things to show that things are never just black and white with people. Pete and I always said... sometimes love just isn't enough. We loved each other, no doubt, but we both needed more then love to truly be happy. So, you see there's alot more to any story then you know, so please don't be so quick to judge.

I don't regret meeting Pete, making my son or choosing to be a single mother one bit. Yes, it's hard now because real life didn't go as planned but it's ok. In time things will smooth out. I've found inner strength, creativity and resourcefulness I never would have if I'd chosen to do things differently. More importantly... thru love of a mother for a child I can almost see God, the first and greatest creator of life.

I'm going to stop blogging here on myspace because some people really just don't get it...I can only explain things so many times. If ya wanna know whats happening in my life or with Daniel, just drop me an email for an update.

This is actually a repost of the original blog posted on myspace ~