I feel my soul is thirsty. Like I've been walking in a desert of my life but didn't stop from time to time to drink anything refreshing. It's been a mixture of my fault and just the ways of life. I did not realize how much being a mom takes out of you.
I'm not talking about caring for the baby. I was prepared for that part. I was not prepared for the emotional part. From dealing with changes in my body to the labor and delivery to caring for a newborn to trying to train a infant and on and on and on...Add to it the stress other people bring me from all sorts of crazy angles. The emotional toll at every stage is confounding.
Somedays it's a struggle just to remember to shower and use the bathroom much less pay bills, answer emails or work on projects long in a state of de-funk. As my son grows he need more and more from me but I'm low if not empty already. I keep telling myself...you need a break, you need some time to re-charge but when, where, how?
One of the biggest things I miss is writing. Everyday I swear to write even if it's a few sentences just to save memories along with my sanity. But everyday night passes without me writing. As I lay down sentences run thru my head but I lack the will power to grab one of the myriads of notebooks I leave around me for that very purpose. With the morning comes the loss of the previous day story, memories, thoughts, observations, life notes. It frustrates me but it's no one fault. There's just not enough time or energy or whatever it was I had before.
But I don't want to lose my chances anymore...I want to take my life notes, I want to clear the clutter in my head. I want to save memories for my son.
So I got up this morning at 3 am and became determined to write... to take a sip ... hoping that the taste will soothe me enough to help me come back and keep drinking. It feels good, nice and cool for my over heated and dehydrated spirit. The feel of the keys, the comforting click and clack, the moving text on the screen that shows I still have thoughts, words, essence.
My son has awoken...probably due to lack of a warm body next to him or maybe the change in my energy. He's very aware of energy my little one. Normally I would stop what I'm doing to attend to his needs right away but I feel different this morning. His emotional need is just to see me...all of his physical needs were already taken care off. So I place him in a stroller so he can see me while I rebuild myself, while I breathe, while I literally cry with sheer joy for this moment of me...until he decided he wanted to type also and grabs for the keyboard.