The Pros & Cons of Dating an Older Asian Man

I've always prefer an older man. There's something about a man who's already lived life and knows what he wants. While it's usually the younger guys that try to attract my attention I have yet to find a young guy who inspires me to be a cougar. I tend to hold out for someone closer to my age if not older. Recently I once again stepped back into the dating world and connected with Sam,

I met Sam when he replied to one of my personal ads. Even though we exchanged a few emails it took about 4 months before we were finally able to make plans to meet. I confess Sam had a hard time because I went MIA for a bit. But for some weird reason Sam kept emailing asking me to call and when I did, then he kept calling asking me to meet or at least keep in touch till I was ready to meet.

Over the 4 months I discovered that Sam and I had lots in common. Most surprisingly we both had a blasian child. While I had a son, he had a daughter. He also had 2 Chinese American children from previous marriage. Hmm.

Despite all the kids Sam still wanted more children and we spend some time discussing the idea of raising a family. And when I say discussing it I mean seriously. We discussed moving out of state, how he could put in for a job transfer and how we can deal with my commitment issues. LOL,

God knows Sam was patient and forgiving when I felt he was either annoying or crowding me and should go away. He always wanted to work things out or tried to understand what was upsetting me. Which was interesting since I didn't always know why I was irritated by his attempts to build a connection with me.

These are pro of dating an older man who knows what he wants....but there was some cons also.

One issue that came up between us was the Chinese versus Korean issue. Of course this meant nothing to me. But for Sam the fact that my son was half Korean was an issue. He was concerned that he wouldn't have anything in common with my son.

Sam also had some issues with the step father idea. He didn't know if he wanted people thinking he was father to my son if all 3 of us went out. I of course thought he was crazy and explained if he had problems with my son then he need to move on to the next female. While we worked past these issues they still left a bad taste in my mouth and mind.

The next issue was more children. While I admit to the idea of wanting more child I'm not exactly ready to run out and get pregnant with the first willing man. Sam was of the mind that sooner better then later would be best for our chances of having children. Umm. No,

While he did have a point, I have not recovered from the bitter lesson my son's father taught me. Nothing is guaranteed no matter what a person promises. I need more then a promise to "be there" before I bring another child into this world.

And that was the straw that broke this camels back. While Sam could promise to do the deed and do his best to "be there" that was about all his could promise. He already had 3 mouths to feed and his parents to care for so he was already stretched thin emotional and financial. For my part I felt my children, the one I have and the one I'm contemplating, deserves more. Plus I wasn't comfortable that he had a license to carry a gun (work related). So Sam and I parted ways.

In the end I'm glad I went thru this experience with Sam. I learned alot about what I think I want and what I actually need. Sam and I didnt end up happily every after but it's ok. I still prefer old men, asian or otherwise and will try again....someday...eventually

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Am I Ready to Date Normal After 3 Years?

For the past 3 years or so I've been having a back and forth about dating with this guy. We started the process but a uncomfortable phone call killed any hopes of meeting in real life. He said I was old since I was over 25. Urgh! But once in a while now we trade 1 or 2 emails before continuing with our lives. Things just didn't click for either of us. Besides I never forgive him for the old comment.

Fast forward and a chance spam email bring us back to step one. This time he feels we should give it a real shot. His argument? We should at least meet in real life and see. After all we didn't give it a chance.

After seeking advice from my community, who I really shouldn't ask for dating advice regarding asian men, cause they're bias!, I decide why not, nothing to lose. So we plan for a lunch date.

Well, that lunch date changed into a dinner date. I wasn't happy when he mentioned meeting me in the evening. I'd have my son with me and meeting like that was NOT the plan. But I figure it would only be for a few minutes and then we can move on with our lives.

You'd think I'd learn by now that nothing is ever as simple as I think. We meet and walk around a bit and then agree to have dinner. He headed over to Harlem BBQ which is nice and empty with high chairs. The date itself is fine. He's nice and engaging. He not weird around my son. It's like we've been hanging out for years. No issues there...at least not for him.

But there's some issues popping up for me. First issue is his Asianess. He's an adopted Korean like my son's father. But unlike my son's father it's not an issue for him. He's made peace with it. But the similarity AND the difference to my son's father is bugging me.

Second issue is his interest in me. It's not creepy or anything. It's just normal attraction. He tells me I'm attractive, he's enjoying my company, etc, etc. But after being shut down for 2 years it's not so easy for me to hear and process that type of interest. And that whole conversation about how he hates dating and would rather just meet someone and be serious....I nearly fainted.

Third issue is his interest in my son. Someone bonding with my son is a big issue and one I wanted to avoid for as long as possible. I dont want to hurt someone if things don't work out with us. It goes without saying that I don't want my son hurt either. So far my son's only concern is can he get more corn bread!

As we pose for the photo, the waitress says "But the baby isn't in the photo". I said it's fine and told her to take the photo. I thought to myself, "lady I did it that way on purpose, this guy isn't my baby daddy".

Which is something else. No matter where we went from the train ride, to walking down the street, to sitting in the restaurant....no one acted weird, no bad comments, no weird looks, nothing. Did I mention we are in Harlem sitting in a black restaurant?

If anything everyone gushed at my son and how cute he is. Everyone acted like it was normal for an asian guy to walk around with a black women and blasian child. In a way it is normal. But the question is will it become the norm for this asian guy and this black girl with her blasian baby.

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Phantom Presence of My Baby Daddy

I talk very little about my son's father. Im not trying to hide anything or keep secrets, it's more that there's nothing really to share. Currently he hasn't made any efforts to be part of his son's life. I did email him last xmas a photo of our son with Santa. That was my small steps towards trying to include him. But no return response came back from his side....cyber or real life. So I've accepted that's how it is and I've gone on living. But still his phantom presence lingers

I see him everyday in my son from the way he smiles to the way he scratches his head when he's upset/tired/bored. The head scratching/rubbing is SO his dad's trait. While he mostly has my features there's no denying his fathers asian "mark" on my son. I wondered if as my son grew he would become more "black" looking. I've accepted it aint gonna happen. Except for his legs becoming a darker shade of caramel and his hair becoming just a bit more curly....he still has asian features.

As my son grows he's going to become aware that's he's different looking then mommy...what then? I've been thinking about this since he was born. I've tried to lay a base of examples through books, TV shows and taking him to different culture events. I hope he will understand from a young age that the world is made of many different people and it's a good thing to be from different cultures. But still I worry it might not be enough.

At a recent single mom support group there was a guest speaker, a clinical psychologist who specializes in family therapy and parent/child relationships, who came to speak to the moms about "Connection & Conflict In Separated And Divorced Couples." I went to cover the event for the blog but ended up taking part in the discussion. I shared how lately I've been thinking of once again trying to make contact with my son's dad but the thought of dealing with conflict holds me back.

My son's father and I didn't exactly breakup on good terms. Nor did we have good communications after the breakup. For weeks after over emails, voice mail and txt msg we fought bitterly. But really when it comes to our son what does it matter? Cant we find a successful way to co-parent the child we both wanted so badly!?

I discussed the pros and cons with the moms and psychologist. Having his father in his life would help him see why he looks different and let him know he's part of someone else. But having a father who's struggling with issue of maturity and alcoholism might be damaging. Can he teach my son how to be a man and father from his example?

In the end it's up to me and what I want for my son. What that is...Im still struggling with. But I feel I need to decide soon cause I cant deal with the unresolved haunting presence of my son's father for much longer

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My Non Date "Date"

So after brushing him off for weeks and canceling two dates I finally decided to meet "M" for real real. Now this is despite that creepy feeling left over from that convo that made me cancel the first two times. He swears I didn't give him a chance and being another single parent we can get along. Ok

So I get dressed, call him to tell him we're on the way...of course I bring baby...and off I goooooo right into the lunch time rush in the downtown brooklyn area. What was I thinking?! That was such a bad timeframe and bad place to meet.

First it's super crowded and trying to get around with a stroller is not easy. Second meeting in front his job at the Law School means I have to scan a sea of white guys to try and locate him. Mind you I just saw his photo once and I have no idea what he looks like in real life now.

So I try to find a pay phone to call him and then discover I left my change purse home. *deep breath* Now I have to go around asking for change. Did I mention I'm in downtown brooklyn during the lunch hour? The lines in all the stores are out the doors. Ok. I started asking strangers, who look at me like I'm crazy. *deep breathe*

I check on Daniel...he's fine...waving his arms around babbling and enjoying the sights. Ok, I go back to the Law School, go inside and tell my sad story to the security guard. I'm here to meet someone, no I don't know his last name, no I don't know his department, yes I have a number *ding* The security guard shakes his head but he calls for me. *sigh of relief* I get "M" on the phone and ask him to come meet us...his response?

"M" says, I've already waited around 1 hour for you sweetheart (condensing tone)

I just trekked crosstown with a baby to meet this guy and he can't even spare 5 minutes to come down stairs for me?! Hmm. I held the phone for a few secs, took a deep breathe and said...Fine, no problem...then I hung up. I thanked the security guard and then left without so much as a glance back. There's nothing there I need to bring into the life Daniel and I share.