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Friday, April 30, 2010

Living My Life in Draft Mode

As I started editing blogs sitting in draft for weeks...I'm frustrated. I've been living in draft for months now. It's ironic that Daniel and I have active and filled lives but you can't really tell from my blogs. What gives? Some of it is about being tired but honestly it's more about losing some of the joy and excitement of sharing within this online space

There were days I couldn't wait to blog about something so I could share with my online friends and fellow moms. It didn't matter that it was just a handful of people. We were community, we were friends, we got each other. No need to defend or have to explain more in detail.

But then people outside the community found me....people who are not friends and things starting changing. Instead of cute and funny comments my posts started receiving angry, rude and ignorant comments.

These comments...and the discussions that follow started taking away the main point of this blog. This blog is about my mothering experience. An experience I wanted to share for other mom like me. While there are tons of mom blog in the world very few are about the asian and black family.

But now when I have something to blog I goes into draft mode until I can triple check to see how blog trolls are going to spin it into something negative and race focused. I no longer have the excitement and joy to share freely.

While I cant get away from the race issue it's not my focus here. When people come here, hijack a post and claim I cause race drama I wonder how they missed all my other posts. Post about the funny and amazing things my son does. Posts about my fears and joys within this journey of motherhood?

I've been thinking about closing down this blog. As my son grows I wonder about his privacy. At some point I need to put limits on what I share about his life. But that also goes for my life. Since my blogs have become more well know outside my community, I'm not as comfortable sharing all details of my life. There are people who visit my blog just to be nosy and learn so they can gossip behind my back. Seriously, am I that interesting?

Ironically I'm caught in a catch 22 blogwise. From the comments and emails I received I know my blogs encourage other moms and even some dads. My zany stories and experiences connect with people in and out of my community. This leads to helping grow awareness. Since I can't fade into the background now what?

I think slowly shifting how I write here is the answer...for now anyway. I can still tell stories about my son and parenting experiences but less about some personal things. That should be a fair solution and I can stop being in draft mode and get on with living life.

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at: May 5, 2010 at 11:48 AM said...

Ugh. That is so tough. I know the feeling of thinking you are just blogging away to your friends and a few online buddies. If it helps, I hope you keep blogging! You might want to consider not posting negative comments. That won't stop you from seeing them. But it is your blog! I suppose the other option is to go private on the blog. It's a complicated world out there.

Anyway, you DO have SUPPORTERS out here!

Nikki @ Mommy Factor says:
at: May 5, 2010 at 12:28 PM said...

I'd hate to moderate comments since I'd like to hear what everyone has to say...even the negative ones. Mostly likely I will keep blogging but not as open as before. Thanks for your comment and support :)

MrsDeveter says:
at: May 5, 2010 at 1:06 PM said...

I too hope you keep blogging... I understanding how you feel though. for me it's the tiny number of readers that makes me pause. Is my stuff interesting? Do people even care what I have to say? Then I think 'writing is my release' regardless of who reads or doesn't read, regardless of who thinks I have something to say ... writing frees me so I will continue. So should you. I am also a supporter keep it coming missy, keep it coming!

NYC Single Mom says:
at: May 5, 2010 at 1:41 PM said...

I hope you keep posting. Its tough I know because you never know what is going to set people off. I love all the funny stuff that you write about your son.

You have such a vibrant community that needs you and you have been so connected to and you have a lot ot say.

I dont know what to say about the trolls out there with their negativity. I get them on occasion and I am just stunned at their meanness. It does not add to the discussion.

Nicole says:
at: May 5, 2010 at 9:06 PM said...

I agree with NYC Single mom..keep blogging, even if it's not about personal stuff. I try to limit the images of Aneksi also. I don't talk about my kids that much. It's not that I don't love them, or love being a mother, it's just that I feel a need to protect them sometimes.

The few times I did post Aneksi's pic. her dad bitched about it [Don't get me started on Mr. "Phone Father"] I got rid of all my blogger blogs, and I just focus on the three I have on wordpress [I say "three" like that's nothing..lmao!]

I enjoy blogging about my spirtitual growth, vegetarian stuff, and my plants! [I know, it's lame!] But I get alot more visitors @ wordpress than I did at blogger. It does feel good when folks write comments, and appreciate what you do! :)

at: May 5, 2010 at 9:52 PM said...

Hi Nikki,

I hope you keep blogging. Unless you find it more stressful than fun. Then stop and do something else. Not worth ulcers.

I do think it is important to protect your son especially as he gets a bit older.

You do have followers that enjoy what you have to say.

at: May 6, 2010 at 5:00 AM said...

I love reading you blog Nikki and will fully support u'r decision to discontinue this blog or whatever you decide to do with this blogging thing...i understand why you would feel hesitant to keep blogging..haters can be a handful. no matter what u decide to do, know that there are tons of anonymous people( myself) out there who have enjoyed reading your blog and have a place for you and cutie pie Daniel in their hearts. Hold you head high and never doubt yourself!You are a great mother!!!!

honeysmoke says:
at: May 11, 2010 at 3:53 PM said...

I hope you don't let those folks, whoever they are, bother you to the point that you shut down your blog. I moderate the posts at Honeysmoke. Always have, always will.

I understand your concern for your son's privacy. I think about that with my daughters as well. I don't post everything, but I try to share those things that may resonate with other parents.

Your voice and others like it need and must be heard. I look forward to reading more of your posts.