As I started editing blogs sitting in draft for weeks...I'm frustrated. I've been living in draft for months now. It's ironic that Daniel and I have active and filled lives but you can't really tell from my blogs. What gives? Some of it is about being tired but honestly it's more about losing some of the joy and excitement of sharing within this online space
There were days I couldn't wait to blog about something so I could share with my online friends and fellow moms. It didn't matter that it was just a handful of people. We were community, we were friends, we got each other. No need to defend or have to explain more in detail.
But then people outside the community found me....people who are not friends and things starting changing. Instead of cute and funny comments my posts started receiving angry, rude and ignorant comments.
These comments...and the discussions that follow started taking away the main point of this blog. This blog is about my mothering experience. An experience I wanted to share for other mom like me. While there are tons of mom blog in the world very few are about the asian and black family.
But now when I have something to blog I pause....it goes into draft mode until I can triple check to see how blog trolls are going to spin it into something negative and race focused. I no longer have the excitement and joy to share freely.
While I cant get away from the race issue it's not my focus here. When people come here, hijack a post and claim I cause race drama I wonder how they missed all my other posts. Post about the funny and amazing things my son does. Posts about my fears and joys within this journey of motherhood?
I've been thinking about closing down this blog. As my son grows I wonder about his privacy. At some point I need to put limits on what I share about his life. But that also goes for my life. Since my blogs have become more well know outside my community, I'm not as comfortable sharing all details of my life. There are people who visit my blog just to be nosy and learn so they can gossip behind my back. Seriously, am I that interesting?
Ironically I'm caught in a catch 22 blogwise. From the comments and emails I received I know my blogs encourage other moms and even some dads. My zany stories and experiences connect with people in and out of my community. This leads to helping grow awareness. Since I can't fade into the background now what?
I think slowly shifting how I write here is the answer...for now anyway. I can still tell stories about my son and parenting experiences but less about some personal things. That should be a fair solution and I can stop being in draft mode and get on with living life.