The morning started off fine. I woke up early enough to make a full breakfast plus tripled check diapers, wipes, change of clothing and the stacks of paperwork are in order. Even though I had major anxiety about what to expect today... things went smoothly. Daniel went thru his morning rountine, eat his breakfast and even some of mine. LOL. We headed out the house and arrived at the daycare with no problems.
Matter of fact Daniel walked up in there like it's his usual hangout spot. As I talked to the daycare staff and manager, Daniel talked to the other babies in the room. He was so busy talking to them that he barely kissed me bye when it was my time to leave. This kid!
I think that was what started my icky feeling. When I left I had all this tension from expecting the drama of my son holding on to my legs, crying for his life... snot and all... while the daycare workers firmly pushed me out the door. I would then stand there racked with guilt about abandoning my only child while I pursue financial gain. Yeah I know! But this is the scence mothers have in our minds. Who tells us that our child might just *gasp* like daycare. Shucks!
So there I sat on the train heading towards my HRA Back to Work Class... holding back tears. I tried to tell myself I should be grateful things went smoothly. Clearly, I'm raising a child who tackles new experinces so well because he's well adjusted and confident. But while things were smooth for Daniel it wasn't smooth for me internally.
The main issue is that Daniel is having all these first important events back to back. Seems every month there is big developments happening. But I'm the only one bearing the emotional and mental strain of it.
I think that was what started my icky feeling. When I left I had all this tension from expecting the drama of my son holding on to my legs, crying for his life... snot and all... while the daycare workers firmly pushed me out the door. I would then stand there racked with guilt about abandoning my only child while I pursue financial gain. Yeah I know! But this is the scence mothers have in our minds. Who tells us that our child might just *gasp* like daycare. Shucks!
So there I sat on the train heading towards my HRA Back to Work Class... holding back tears. I tried to tell myself I should be grateful things went smoothly. Clearly, I'm raising a child who tackles new experinces so well because he's well adjusted and confident. But while things were smooth for Daniel it wasn't smooth for me internally.
The main issue is that Daniel is having all these first important events back to back. Seems every month there is big developments happening. But I'm the only one bearing the emotional and mental strain of it.
Daniel was a planned project to be handled by two people. These two people, called parents, are suppose to support and encourge each other during these key momemts in the projects, called a child, lifes course. At least that's my understanding of the "lets make a baby" presentation I heard before I signed on for this project!
Today at daycare I should have been the crying frantic mother who is comforted by the calm and proud father. I should have the opportunity to fully feel the loss of my son's babyhood as he wobbles towards being a toddler. But when your a single parent there is no split. You have to be both parts...both parents...the male and the female. May sound very sad for me but I keep in my mind the good thing about taking on both roles. I think of that well adjusted child who didn't have time to kiss me goodbye because... he was to busy enjoying his first day at daycare
Today at daycare I should have been the crying frantic mother who is comforted by the calm and proud father. I should have the opportunity to fully feel the loss of my son's babyhood as he wobbles towards being a toddler. But when your a single parent there is no split. You have to be both parts...both parents...the male and the female. May sound very sad for me but I keep in my mind the good thing about taking on both roles. I think of that well adjusted child who didn't have time to kiss me goodbye because... he was to busy enjoying his first day at daycare
5 comments:
at: July 22, 2009 at 12:55 PM said...
Aw! I remember leaving David at daycare for the first time. It was SOOO hard...and I was also a single parent, with no one to comfort me : ( Hugs my darling. I have to say, it's so much better that he was happy when you left and not what you expected. Go Daniel!
at: July 23, 2009 at 9:35 PM said...
Awwww. I know what that's like. I know it from a single parent's point of view too. Girl, they'll be so many more times when you wish there were two of you. I know that feeling all too well.
My children never cried on the first day of daycare. None of them. I really thought my son would because he was a preemie & I had him so attached to me. I really had a hard time letting him out of my sight.
at: July 26, 2009 at 1:31 AM said...
Hi,
Just stopping by to see what is new on your blog.
DeAnna
Write Moms
at: July 26, 2009 at 1:19 PM said...
I know EXACTLY what you went through. In fact, I just made a post regarding my first day-care experience myself! I am following you from MBC's follower club! You can find me at http://www.thetamom.com
at: August 3, 2009 at 12:39 AM said...
We didn't and aren't doing daycare. whew! But fast kindergarten is approaching and I feel the tears already. How will I let my baby go, but already he is talking of riding on the school bus!
It's coming and I'm not liking it.
Maybe he too will be like your son.
I don't hold that hope for the girl. She only wants mommy at all times possible.
And to be honest. If we got a second life , I'd choose to be a single parent...that way I don't have so much anger or disappointment about the missing help and involvement of the other half.
You keep a going momma!
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