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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Being THAT Selfish Mom

Ok, I'll admit it. I've been selfish. I'm not ashamed to admit it cause we all know it's true. I've been hoarding Daniel and all the cool things we've been doing to myself. Again. Even after I said I would share more. Again.

Are ya'll really going to blame me for not sharing? Wait. Don't answer that. I know some of ya'll are really opinionated. LOL

me and dan with drums

But really the ability of a mother to be selfish with her child I think is natural. There's that over protective thing the kicks in once we find out we're carrying a life. Once that life comes out I swear the selfishness "mine mine all mine" mind set kicks up another notch. I swear it does.

Truth be told I'm not sharing all the across the board. My family complains they don't get enough time with my son. My friends with kids complain I don't plan play dates with them anymore. Even my son's afternoon daycare complains I picked him up to early. That he doesn't get enough time to socialize with the other kids...and the teachers.

Excuse me?! I actually sorta got into with the daycare staff. I was all like....What wrong with a mother picking up her child earlier so she can spend more time with him? Didn't he do enough socializing with other kids and teachers at his morning school?! I'm not sure what they think of me now but they keep their thought to themselves and just frown when I pick him up. Early!

I admit, I'm slightly annoyed my son has to go to school anyway. LOL. No seriously. I've thought about home schooling. Seriously. I'm not a fan of the public school system, especially for a child with a learning delay. I'm not confidant they do all that they can. But that's a rant for another time.

I know, I'm a bit greedy with my son attention. I just want to enjoy it ALL myself as much as I can. While I can anyway. Soon enough I'll have to return back to work and no more mom and son fun days.

Even though I plan on working part time, there's still that break from each other. A break where someone else is trying to influence my son. Where other people are trying to make him see the world the way they want him to. I worry about that. Everyday I try to get MY thoughts and views instilled in my son to counter whatever people outside are whispering in his ear.

I know I'm working against a ticking time clock. Soon, very soon another jolt of testosterone will kick in and my son will start pulling away from me. I see it already. The hugs and kisses are less now. The "No's" and "I" wants are more forcefully now. Everyday he makes up his own mind about how he views life. Everyday he turns more into a male. Soon he'll be hanging out with other males and doing male things. Male things that don't allow for a mom need beyond feeding, clothing and drop off to some sport related place.

I know one day I'll have to let go. Or more like one day he'll pull away because I don't think I'll ever willing let him go. It's a mother's right to want to be selfish with her child. But we can't hide them away. As much as we would love to. Eventually they have to live and function in this world.

My mom recently said similar words to me when I was sulking that my son had to return to school after his first spring break. I was literally sad. My mom called me out. Selfish. I don't deny it. Then she explained how as parents we need to give space and allow our children to grow. I though that was a bit ironic coming from a women who still call her 38 year old daughter about 5 times a day. And texts me. More then 5 times a day. Hmm

But how do you start to let go? I thought I had started learning when my son started walking. Then when he started school. At all the different stages I thought I was learning about this letting go process. But each day that my son grows, that feeling of "Mine Mine All Mine" also grows within me and I feel like I learned NOTHING about letting go. Guess we'll have to wait and see what happens.

Meanwhile I really do need to update this blog so I have a record of the fun things we shared together (to obsess over) when THAT time comes.

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5 comments:

KalleyC | Blogging While Nursing says:
at: April 27, 2012 at 10:09 AM said...

I think we all have that in us as parents. There are days when I go through it, and other days I can't wait to have a moment to myself.

Like you, I know that I should be cherishing the moments that we have together, but that's hard to remember when all you can think about is sitting down and finishing that cup of tea you brewed in the morning.

MsXpat says:
at: April 27, 2012 at 10:44 AM said...

LOL welcome back I've been wondering what was up with you guys! I look forward to you up coming posts. Its understandable that you would want to enjoy time with your son for as long as possible the grow so fast! Enjoy it I say.

Yakini says:
at: April 27, 2012 at 6:43 PM said...

I missed your updates too!!! (Haha, like I should talk, eh?!)

Anyhoo, it's funny cuz I'm the exact opposite - I relish the moments they can be at school! LOL! If they can stay later Im all for it - because I feel like I have SO little time to myself and I deserve that. I miss them a lot while they're at school, and I smile throughout the day when I think about them... and later, it just makes the time with them sweeter. But I have time to rejuvenate so I'm not impatient and yelling (as I tend to do) and they have time to spend with their friends and teachers who they love.

Zen says:
at: April 28, 2012 at 1:04 AM said...

Mothers never truly let go.

Nikki @ Mommy Factor says:
at: April 28, 2012 at 7:33 AM said...

Aww, my faithful blog readers. Thank you for waiting and sharing comments.

Truly moms do need their alone time away from the kids. It's normal and good. Kudos for you moms who do this.

Clearly I'm not that normal or nor wanna be good :p