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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Frustration at the Local Library

NYC libraries usually has tons of events happening at local libraries. Or at least that’s what the calendar says is suppose to happen. But after visiting one of my local area libraries I’m finding that’s not really the deal. Seems unless a real interest is shown then a “scheduled” event might not happen.

Take for example the story time that was scheduled for today. Since no one showed up...besides me and Daniel...then it was a "no go" due to lack of people. The librarian suggested we should instead attend the RIF program on a Thursday afternoon. Hmm. So we signed up for that but really it’s not what I was looking for. Once again this library has disappointed me.

Then I ask if this library could use the American Baby/ Baby Talk magazines I no longer need. The library clerk explained there really isn’t a circulation need for them. I got the feeling she didn’t think any of the women/mothers in this area would read them. Mind you, in this area city project building are found in ever direction you look. I’ve seen tons of babies being carried around. I know the info found in these magazines would be helpful and is needed by this mothering community. But again the lack of community interest directs what is considered needed for library services.

Despite these two incidents my true frustration at the library happened as we were leaving. One of the female security guards wanted to play with Daniel. Since Daniel chose to just walk right over to her so she can pick him up…what can I do. I gotta find a way to teach him not to do that. It freaks me out and puts me in a bad position to say…please don’t touch my son.

Anyway, Daniel goes over, she picks him up, kisses him on his cheek (cringe) and then starts the Q and A with me. Thankfully her questions started with his name, how old he was and is he my first. So I answered her and said yes he’s my first and most likely only. Why did I say that?! Dammit, I left an opening for dialogue.

This lady says to me...are you sure? That’s selfish of you. You should have more so he has someone to grow up with.

WTH! Don’t I already have enough guilt about him being an only child?! If she only knew what it took me to have this one she might think twice about suggesting I have another.

Dreaming of Blue Hawaii

While packing to move I thought what would life be like living in Hawaii? I know a few people who either lived there in the past or are currently living there.

To start Hawaii has perfect weather, beautiful scenery and yummy food. Then Hawaii has a diverse racial and cultural background which makes it an good place to raise children....moreso one of mixed Asian heritage.

But the fact that Hawaii lacks a strong selection of West Indian restaurants...where I can get bake and saltfish...gave this "move to Hawaii" idea major pause. Still it would be a nice place to visit.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009

When Family isn't Family

It's 3am and I'm standing in the kitchen frying an egg. Why? Cause I'm tired of rolling back and forth hoping I’d go back to sleep. I’ve been awake for 2hrs with many thoughts on my mind.

The main thought is my son’s upcoming birthday. The more I think about it the more I want to make it private with just the two of friends and no family. It may seem odd but I’m starting to realize I don’t want to directly share that day with anyone. I don’t mind sharing photos and blogging about it but I don’t need or want anyone physically taking part. As a Buddhist one of my main concerns is the type of energy I surrounded myself with. As a Buddhist mother this concern is 100x more an issue because I want to limit negative or conflicting energy that will surround my son.

Some of my friends think it’s cute I want to mix korean and west indian traditions for my son birthday but I don’t think they truly understand why or what it means to me. For them it’s just one of the “asian” things I do in my life. And for some it might be a point of envy and jealousy. Hmm. Not the type of energy I want welcoming my son into his first year.

As for my family...*sigh*...My family and I have a strained relationship that’s emotionally and mentally hostile and toxic. Many years ago I’ve tried to cut them out of my life completely. But due to many ironic situations the link always remained by the barest of connections.

When things didn’t work out with my sons father my sister insisted I connected with the family again. This time everyone would declare a truce for the sake of my son. A few months after his birth I moved in with my family so I could raise him for the first year without financial worries.

In truth I traded one problem for another but at the time I figured it was worth it for my son’s sake. Also it was just for a year. How bad could it be…

Well as my son has grown I’ve started finding out. I’ve had to keep a tight lid on my anger during the many times when their racial ignorance and petty jealousy caused them to act in harmfully ways. At the start most of their malice was toward me but as with any evil energy it started seeping towards Daniel and anything that guaranteed a positive future for us. Their selfish and petty actions proves their love for my son is not uncondtional.

I won’t waste time getting into anything here cause it doesn’t really matter. But the fact is...after seeing me and Daniel attend blog and cultural events where we connect with positive people, my family has let their envy and jealousy affect them so they cause drama, which is affecting how Daniel and I live with them. Matter of fact it’s clear we can no longer live with them. Currently I’m in the middle of packing to move. I'm not sure exactly where we'll ended up but I look forward to building a life with my son where being "a family" is based on positivy and true love.