It's 3am and I'm standing in the kitchen frying an egg. Why? Cause I'm tired of rolling back and forth hoping I’d go back to sleep. I’ve been awake for 2hrs with many thoughts on my mind.
The main thought is my son’s upcoming birthday. The more I think about it the more I want to make it private with just the two of us...no friends and no family. It may seem odd but I’m starting to realize I don’t want to directly share that day with anyone. I don’t mind sharing photos and blogging about it but I don’t need or want anyone physically taking part. As a Buddhist one of my main concerns is the type of energy I surrounded myself with. As a Buddhist mother this concern is 100x more an issue because I want to limit negative or conflicting energy that will surround my son.
Some of my friends think it’s cute I want to mix korean and west indian traditions for my son birthday but I don’t think they truly understand why or what it means to me. For them it’s just one of the “asian” things I do in my life. And for some it might be a point of envy and jealousy. Hmm. Not the type of energy I want welcoming my son into his first year.
As for my family...*sigh*...My family and I have a strained relationship that’s emotionally and mentally hostile and toxic. Many years ago I’ve tried to cut them out of my life completely. But due to many ironic situations the link always remained by the barest of connections.
When things didn’t work out with my sons father my sister insisted I connected with the family again. This time everyone would declare a truce for the sake of my son. A few months after his birth I moved in with my family so I could raise him for the first year without financial worries.
In truth I traded one problem for another but at the time I figured it was worth it for my son’s sake. Also it was just for a year. How bad could it be…
Well as my son has grown I’ve started finding out. I’ve had to keep a tight lid on my anger during the many times when their racial ignorance and petty jealousy caused them to act in harmfully ways. At the start most of their malice was toward me but as with any evil energy it started seeping towards Daniel and anything that guaranteed a positive future for us. Their selfish and petty actions proves their love for my son is not uncondtional.
I won’t waste time getting into anything here cause it doesn’t really matter. But the fact is...after seeing me and Daniel attend blog and cultural events where we connect with positive people, my family has let their envy and jealousy affect them so they cause drama, which is affecting how Daniel and I live with them. Matter of fact it’s clear we can no longer live with them. Currently I’m in the middle of packing to move. I'm not sure exactly where we'll ended up but I look forward to building a life with my son where being "a family" is based on positivy and true love.